The Benefits of Seeing a Gay Sex Positive Doctor

Shame In The Clinic

You’re in a consultation with a health professional and you feel a sense of judgement or shame coming. Maybe you lie about what’s been happening because you want to avoid being shamed. Maybe they ask inappropriate and invasive questions. Maybe they make assumptions about you, your relationships and your sex life, which leave you feeling deeply awkward or embarrassed. Maybe you leave the consultation and feel really angry afterwards and wonder why you didn’t say anything.

I’ve been there as a patient - in plenty of sexual health clinics in central London. Even though I’ve worked in sexual health for many years & had years of my own therapy, I’ve often found it hard to challenge someone’s raised eyebrow, or shame filled advice and assert a sex positive position. Instead I would rather just head for the door as quickly as possible and not come back.

When you’re seeking healthcare you’re in a vulnerable place. The power dynamics are complex. Not feeling relaxed with your health care provider and not feeling that you can be truly yourself, is harmful in so many ways. Most of us have dealt with or continue to deal with our own individual, familial, cultural, and societal shame around sexuality. The last place we need it to show up is when we’re discussing our sex lives in a clinic at a vulnerable time.

The Journey To Sex Positivity

Many people, of all sexual orientations, live with internalised shame around their sexuality. As a gay man, I struggled with sexual shame and having a healthy relationship to my sexual self for many years. The path to understanding and embracing my sexual self was not easy. But with the right guidance, I realised I could embrace my erotic self rather than trying to control it or be afraid of it.

Making friends with and embracing your erotic self, often means meeting your shadow, meeting a part of you which you might find difficult, maybe even disturbing. Our erotic worlds often don’t conform to societal wishes for loving monogamy. But the journey to embracing your erotic self, in all it’s corners and edges is a wonderful thing. Standing in your erotic power, knowing what turns you on and embracing it, connects you to a life energy which is incredibly powerful.

I believe strongly in the positive power of human sexuality. Positive sexual experiences can be healing, connecting and energising. In all my work, I bring a fundamental understanding that healthy sexuality is a good thing, to be embraced and enjoyed by everyone, whatever your sexual orientation.

Leaving Sexual Shame Behind

I hope whoever you are, when you come to see me you experience something radically different to the shaming experiences I’ve had and witnessed with other health professionals. I want you to feel safe to explore and talk about what’s been happening for you, without fear of shame or judgement. Seeing a sex positive doctor means you don’t need to hide - you can be honest about your experiences and needs - and together we will find a way forward, wherever you are in your journey right now.

Understanding The Diverse Needs of Gay, Bi and Queer Men

As a gay man, I understand that seeing another gay man as your doctor can be important in creating a safe space. You don’t need to educate or explain things about gay/bi/queer experience to me. You can be honest and free to explore your experiences and concerns without worrying about any judgement I might have. Whether it’s your relationship structure (open or monogamous), the type of sex you’re having (side, anal, kinky, vanilla) or where you’re having sex (at home, on the Heath, in a sex club or a sauna); whatever is happening for you is ok to bring to the room.

A Queer Eye for Straight Folks

I don’t only see gay men - I also have a lot of experience with heterosexual women and men! Sometimes speaking to someone who is outside the heterosexual world can be a freeing experience. As a gay man, I bring a neutrality - I’m neither a straight man nor a straight woman. This can leave more space to explore your experience without fear of judgement or over identification. Sexual shame and sex positivity are journeys for us all, irrespective of our sexual orientation.